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Dad,
I wish I could talk to you, I miss you so much! You left this world on Jan 30 2013, the worst day of my life. I was pregnant with Maddie (didn't know she was going to be a girl) and I was heart broken, I was a mess. No one knew that jan 30th would of been your last day here on earth. My whole world crashed when I spoke to you over the phone and nearly choked out the words " Its okay dad, I cant be selfish . I am going to be okay. Its okay daddy"
I was holding back tears and after that last statement I choked out the words I love you. Ended the call , my daddy wasn't able to speak back as he was being kept sedated. Once I hung up, I literally dropped to the floor and completely lost it. It wasn't okay for him to just died but I just told my dad that it was ok. I been in SC since 2011 while my family lives up in MD. I hadn't been able to make a trip up there to visit but was planning to go that summer with the new baby. I could not take it, my heart was breaking my dad was going to die and I am not even in the same state as him. Everyone was calling me to make sure I was Okay and to tell me to calm down and remember your pregnant. I just decided in the best intertest of my unborn and to somehow not stress myself out more that i would just go take a nap. I would wake up on and off but force myself to go back to bed.
I remember while I was asleep my daddy appeared in my dreams, he was standing without the need of his walker or wheelchair. My daddy had lost both is legs (not at the same time I think 1 yr apart) But in my dream he was standing at the side of my bed and he say I am not in anymore pain , I am not suffering anymore. I love you!
Before I could say anything, I woke up to tears coming down my face and my phone was ringing. I answered it I believe it was my older sister who started to tell me dad had gone one. but i had already new.
Fast forward to today Sept 4 2020 , I now have 3 children,1 girl and 2 boys! I see you daddy in all three of them. My daughter who is 7 now has my same smart sarcastic attitude which I learned from you. My son Jeffery who is now 4, reminds me of you. He looks like you when you were a baby. Lastly my youngest son Hunter who turns 2 on Sunday and who also has your middle name, he well has your attitude. Your strength, your want dont hurt me makes me stronger. The I can do all things, watch me sense of never give up.
Beside seeing you in them everyday, I still have a huge hole in my heart. People said it will get easier with time , I disagree I believe it actually gets harder with time. The memories that pop up out of nowhere , songs that play out of nowhere , the birth of all my children ect... Today Sept 4 2020 feels just as bad as it did on Jan 30 2013.....
I love you daddy and i miss you more then some of you know. You said never say goodbye but instead say see ya later.
Love you daddy and I will see ya later,
Your Daughter
Verna
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