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Arrow, I never know what to say to you anymore! And sometimes I even wonder what I'm doing all the way over here, and with you a whole continent away. I always feel like doing something for you which doesn't include verbal communication because I feel like I'm going in circles with my conversations, and it's ... tough, to say the least. I mean, I'm not upset or hiding anything from you just because I don't have ideas for an interesting topic. I'm just... Waiting. Living off memories is something I do a lot. Looking up at the sky, thinking "I wish you could see this!", or clasping my keychain with one hand when things get difficult and think of what you said to me at one of our stops at Tim Horton's at the Rideau Centre. You told me to remember that, and I do - very well in fact. It's just that I feel like I'm constantly at a loss recently because I have trouble dealing with the distance. Showing my appreciation through words is not something I'm good at without it sounding incredibly corny. Like this tree. The three is corny. Sounds like something I'd do though, because I often doodle our names on a piece of paper during the school day, oftentimes in elaborate and rather pretty writing, imagining that I'm only able to communicate via visual cues; very clear visual cues that leave no questions about what the meaning is. Someone told me that love was sort of an universal language. I don't remember who that was, or when it was said to me. But yes. I want to show you so many things and it's absolutely maddening at times that I can't, and sometimes I just run my hands all over something soft (Oliver usually) and imagine ... like that little stroking of your hand that I believe I did a few times. Small motions like that. And it doesn't make matters better that I tend to not relax enough to be myself around people I don't know, or while doing something that I'd rather keep private. But you ... I can feel comfortable with you. Even if we're not on the same page. And I've done a lot of thinking about your family and that situation, that's why I was particularly interested in LFA in the first place - and came to a conclusion there, too. So yeah. I will try, realizing that me being integrated to a degree is the only reasonable thing - and taking time to adjust, too. Just as I try to adjust to this feeling of... not having you there when after meeting you two times, I know how it is. Talking to you is one thing, but the physical closeness is another, and, you know something I'd really love? To have a recent photo of somekind, of ... you. Doing something, Because visuals somehow adds another element into this. It can make the whole being apart thing easier. I love you Arrow.
With love,
your Hawkie |
